Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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