38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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