Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
