Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
