I hate your face
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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