Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
