i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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