I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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