Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
