my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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