Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize