so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
