I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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