I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
