Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
