I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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