You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize