Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
