Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
