i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
