What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
