i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
