and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
