Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize