Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
