i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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