i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Couch. On fire.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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