It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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