every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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