It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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