I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
