I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
