Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
