Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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