oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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