4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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