i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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