please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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