i was born a porn star she said
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Four minutes until I can fart!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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