Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
a search helicopter?!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
