I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize