Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
