Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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