Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just forgot I was standing up.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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