I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
