I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
