I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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