Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
