i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
