i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
