There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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