I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
