I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
