We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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