my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
