you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
