sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
