3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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