Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You are the jesus of drinking
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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