Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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