She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
