I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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