Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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