I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
