He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
