my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
