The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize