yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
areolas are like halos for boobs.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
