Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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